Is There a Line to Cross?

Is it just me or does this scenario 'cross the line'?

I was talking to a girlfriend recently and she was saying that a female friend of her boyfriend messages him all the time. When she raised this with him, he was very indignant and demanded to know whether she trusted him or not.  She trusts him and to be honest, he is a lovely guy and clearly adores my girlfriend so I just think 'Why is this random chick badgering him? Boundaries exist for a reason!' Anyway, this made me think back to BF.

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So, there was a girl from North Carolina who he'd met online; she was a photographer (so she worked in the same industry). In the past, they had had a sexual relationship - he'd even travelled to visit her several times, but subsequently they were just 'friends' even though she expressed that she wanted to be more...

When he was with me, initially she was really weird with him and it led to 'radio silence' from her. After about 6 months, she crept out of the woodwork and was super friendly via WhatsApp - like nothing had happened. Remember that 'conversation' that I had with BF which led to one of our biggest arguments? One of the thingsI found out during that time was that BF had 'fooled around' with her when we weren't 'exclusive' during the early days of our courtship, which made me a bit paranoid. I trusted him. The thing was, as time past, she would message him at all hours of the day (even with the time difference, she messaged him); I would hear his phone vibrate when we were in bed together or during days out together.

The messages were friendly, just 'Hey, what's up. How are you? What have you been up to?' type of messages. He would wouldn't reply straight away but she would continue messaging him. Then followed him on Twitter, Instagram and friended him on Facebook. When I had asked BF about it. He would dismissively say she's a friend and he only talks to her about work, so things like camera lenses etc. To be fair, BF was honest and true. But I felt like a terrible person when I mentioned it to him that I hated the fact that she was so clingy and seemed to want to encroach on my 'territory'.

I just thought, 'Why is she connecting with him on all these social platforms? Messaging all hours of the day? Does she not understand boundaries?' I mean I have guy friends who are married, engaged or whatever. I would never dream of messaging them so often or late at night. And if they didn't message back, I wouldn't be worried and constantly message to require a 'follow-up'.

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My girlfriend is understandably upset. They had an argument where he demanded to know whether she was curbing his freedom and making him choose between her and the 'friend'. This wasn't the question in the first place. The question is, whether it's just a lack of trust or general insecurity? Or are there unspoken boundaries, which you don't cross when your friends are in a relationship?

Is there even a line to cross?

Obstacles

“The best way to treat obstacles is to use them as stepping-stones. Laugh at them, tread on them, and let them lead you to something better.” -- Enid Blyton, Mr. Galliano's Circus.

Following our argument, I felt like shit; I felt guilty for having dated another guy at the time I was dating BF. I felt that by reading my blog, it made him sound like he was my second choice - merely that I am with him, because I had no other options. Equally, I felt bad that he had read my crazy and irrational thoughts, not only that, because BF was upset, he had confided in his mother for advice and consolation, so she knew about the blog and the argument...

I can brush these little things aside, because I can tell that annoying little voice in my head to "shut up!" The thing is, that the trust in our relationship was on tentative ground. I didn't want to feel so exposed; I will admit it - I am a control freak and I don't like change. To trust completely and without hesitation takes time. Then I remembered how much I love BF and that during our argument, we confided in each other, explaining that we wanted a future together. For the first time, I could actually see myself potentially marrying someone and living with him, which would normally send me running for the hills in a terrified daze!

The next few weeks, we papered over the cracks of our relationship, spending time together, trying to repair the damage. I was on tenterhooks, I was so ready to run away and hide; there were moments where I would ask "Are you okay?" or explain that he was my first choice and priority, there were glimpses of hesitation, something I couldn't put my finger on. I thought to myself, "What have I done wrong?" Then I would pull myself together and think, "What can I do to make him feel better?"

It carried on like that for weeks, but we were finally getting over our first 'fight' and things were returning to the same equilibrium as before. Anyway, just before I had to leave on Wednesday, BF confided in me (I had to leave early, because there's this really annoying lady down the road who has her own drive, but insists on parking in front of my house - all day, everyday, so my neighbour and I have this mad 'car-swap' plan, where we alternate parking in front of the house, just so she can't! Hopefully she'll get the message soon!!!)

And, hello, obstacle number 2!!!

When our relationship started becoming intimate and sex was involved, BF was dating another woman. I can't really judge at all, in that regard, considering I was seeing another guy from POF before we had "the talk".

The problem is, when we had the "exclusivity" chat, BF went to the other woman to break-up with her. Obviously, she was upset (who wouldn't be? He's an amazing guy - funny, attractive, kind, ambitious, intelligent - a rare find!) But instead of an apology and perhaps a hug, he slept with her, because he felt guilty for hurting her.

I know BF is only human and he's not perfect, but I've felt so guilty about just going on dates with another guy, whilst we were dating and having made him think that he wasn't my first choice and I've been beating myself up over it and BF didn't mention anything during this time.

Then there's the issue of, it's been almost a year (what a scary prospect, time flies) that BF and I have been dating, and it comes up NOW? Why couldn't he have told me when we had that argument over the blog? I was just starting to feel safe again and there's another bump in the road?! I know the old Shakespearean idiom of "the course of true love never runs smooth" but seriously, after 3-4 weeks?!

The final thing is, we have spoken about these things - about men messing women about emotionally and sexually. We spoke about our male friends and how we felt that their actions were 'wrong' when talk about relationships becomes a tool for sex. And this... Now I just wonder if anything BF said was genuine and sincere?

I know he doesn't talk to her anymore; I know BF loves me; I know it was a mistake, but doubts can be consuming. I don't know if I can trust him and if trust is gone from a relationship, then it struggles to survive. I don't want to be the paranoid girlfriend; equally, I don't want to be the doormat that guys think that they can treat badly and I'll still smile nicely and forgive, just because I want to be nice. And then there's my pride, if I forgive, what does that make me? A fool - can I trust him again; it's taken him so long to tell me...?

I don't know. Relationships are complicated, so much is based on intangible things - trust, faith, compromise...

Ex No. 1 broke my heart - he cheated on me 4 times; I even caught him in OUR flat, in OUR bed. I promised myself that I would never be fooled again, so I started a series of relationships where I knew I wouldn't fall in love, just so I wouldn't be hurt again, even if it was unfulfilling. This time is different, if I jump in, I have the potential to fall further...

Inevitably, I need to be an adult, so I phoned BF, explaining how vulnerable and lost I felt. It still feels a bit raw, so I am very reluctant to meet in person (I hate doing these things face-to-face; I always choke on my principles, and end up doing the 'nice' thing, rather than the 'right thing'). Afterwards a second sleepless night was spent rolling in my bed, picturing things I shouldn't.

I decided to bite the bullet and message BF to meet, but I know he has a prior engagement tonight to meet his friend, so I asked when he was free. I hate when people are 'flaky' so I said BF should see his friend. Then BF replies with a message saying "You should have more time to think. What is convenient for you?" Don't reply my question with another question! Also, don't belittle me, if I've reached out to message you, I've had enough time to think, otherwise I wouldn't be messaging him in the first place!!! Men!!!

Anyway, all I want to do, right now, is, fly away to Neverland and forget everything. Be a child, and not worry about anything - work, relationship, studying. I shall sit and admire mermaids, whilst fighting pirates! Just call me Peter Pan!