Almost gone...

I'm so lost right now...

So, the biggest story is that BF and me got back together. I was working on me and trying to be more positive as a person, but somehow that slipped off the radar and I became accustomed to the routine of being with him.

Whilst I felt him pulling away, he never told me and there's only so many times I can ask "Are you okay? Are we okay?" I thought our jobs have been stressful and we haven't spent quality time together - we were constantly distracted about deadlines and little things like Facebook. So we decided to organise a trip to Spain - just the two of us to rekindle things, but I felt he was keeping me at arms-length away emotionally. Then this week, it was radio silence because he was busy at work. I thought to give him space and let him deal with the stress without me adding to the mix.

Yesterday, out of the blue, he tells me again that he's no longer in love with me and we've become 'stuck in a rut'. Not once did he tell me that he was feeling this way before or that we needed to work on our relationship. He tells me, he doesn't feel 'butterflies' and 'fireworks'. He says, talking to me has become a chore and an obligation... What hurts is the fact, he never talked to me about his feelings although subconsciously I knew that he was pulling away and didn't want to be with me. I feel so angry at the same time. That's such bull - why didn't he talk to me or open up to me?! I was carrying the relationship and I never once felt it reciprocated. My parents have been married for over 40 years, my father once told me that relationships require devotion and energy that you have to be prepared for. I was ready to do that, but why can't he??? He says he doesn't know how to process his feelings, so he cannot recognise them. How am I supposed to know if he won't tell me or interact with me on a meaningful level?!

I cried for hours yesterday and the same again today. My eyes hurt and so does my head from the tears. I like him but I feel that I have also fallen out of love with him too. He's my best friend in so many ways and I don't know what it will be like having him slip away. I want to fight for us; I want to know that we both tried but I don't know if he will actually do that... I'm scared because I felt he was the 'one' and he's almost gone...