“The best way to treat obstacles is to use them as stepping-stones. Laugh at them, tread on them, and let them lead you to something better.” -- Enid Blyton, Mr. Galliano's Circus.
Following our argument, I felt like shit; I felt guilty for having dated another guy at the time I was dating BF. I felt that by reading my blog, it made him sound like he was my second choice - merely that I am with him, because I had no other options. Equally, I felt bad that he had read my crazy and irrational thoughts, not only that, because BF was upset, he had confided in his mother for advice and consolation, so she knew about the blog and the argument...
I can brush these little things aside, because I can tell that annoying little voice in my head to "shut up!" The thing is, that the trust in our relationship was on tentative ground. I didn't want to feel so exposed; I will admit it - I am a control freak and I don't like change. To trust completely and without hesitation takes time. Then I remembered how much I love BF and that during our argument, we confided in each other, explaining that we wanted a future together. For the first time, I could actually see myself potentially marrying someone and living with him, which would normally send me running for the hills in a terrified daze!
The next few weeks, we papered over the cracks of our relationship, spending time together, trying to repair the damage. I was on tenterhooks, I was so ready to run away and hide; there were moments where I would ask "Are you okay?" or explain that he was my first choice and priority, there were glimpses of hesitation, something I couldn't put my finger on. I thought to myself, "What have I done wrong?" Then I would pull myself together and think, "What can I do to make him feel better?"
It carried on like that for weeks, but we were finally getting over our first 'fight' and things were returning to the same equilibrium as before. Anyway, just before I had to leave on Wednesday, BF confided in me (I had to leave early, because there's this really annoying lady down the road who has her own drive, but insists on parking in front of my house - all day, everyday, so my neighbour and I have this mad 'car-swap' plan, where we alternate parking in front of the house, just so she can't! Hopefully she'll get the message soon!!!)
And, hello, obstacle number 2!!!
When our relationship started becoming intimate and sex was involved, BF was dating another woman. I can't really judge at all, in that regard, considering I was seeing another guy from POF before we had "the talk".
The problem is, when we had the "exclusivity" chat, BF went to the other woman to break-up with her. Obviously, she was upset (who wouldn't be? He's an amazing guy - funny, attractive, kind, ambitious, intelligent - a rare find!) But instead of an apology and perhaps a hug, he slept with her, because he felt guilty for hurting her.
I know BF is only human and he's not perfect, but I've felt so guilty about just going on dates with another guy, whilst we were dating and having made him think that he wasn't my first choice and I've been beating myself up over it and BF didn't mention anything during this time.
Then there's the issue of, it's been almost a year (what a scary prospect, time flies) that BF and I have been dating, and it comes up NOW? Why couldn't he have told me when we had that argument over the blog? I was just starting to feel safe again and there's another bump in the road?! I know the old Shakespearean idiom of "the course of true love never runs smooth" but seriously, after 3-4 weeks?!
The final thing is, we have spoken about these things - about men messing women about emotionally and sexually. We spoke about our male friends and how we felt that their actions were 'wrong' when talk about relationships becomes a tool for sex. And this... Now I just wonder if anything BF said was genuine and sincere?
I know he doesn't talk to her anymore; I know BF loves me; I know it was a mistake, but doubts can be consuming. I don't know if I can trust him and if trust is gone from a relationship, then it struggles to survive. I don't want to be the paranoid girlfriend; equally, I don't want to be the doormat that guys think that they can treat badly and I'll still smile nicely and forgive, just because I want to be nice. And then there's my pride, if I forgive, what does that make me? A fool - can I trust him again; it's taken him so long to tell me...?
I don't know. Relationships are complicated, so much is based on intangible things - trust, faith, compromise...
Ex No. 1 broke my heart - he cheated on me 4 times; I even caught him in OUR flat, in OUR bed. I promised myself that I would never be fooled again, so I started a series of relationships where I knew I wouldn't fall in love, just so I wouldn't be hurt again, even if it was unfulfilling. This time is different, if I jump in, I have the potential to fall further...
Inevitably, I need to be an adult, so I phoned BF, explaining how vulnerable and lost I felt. It still feels a bit raw, so I am very reluctant to meet in person (I hate doing these things face-to-face; I always choke on my principles, and end up doing the 'nice' thing, rather than the 'right thing'). Afterwards a second sleepless night was spent rolling in my bed, picturing things I shouldn't.
I decided to bite the bullet and message BF to meet, but I know he has a prior engagement tonight to meet his friend, so I asked when he was free. I hate when people are 'flaky' so I said BF should see his friend. Then BF replies with a message saying "You should have more time to think. What is convenient for you?" Don't reply my question with another question! Also, don't belittle me, if I've reached out to message you, I've had enough time to think, otherwise I wouldn't be messaging him in the first place!!! Men!!!
Anyway, all I want to do, right now, is, fly away to Neverland and forget everything. Be a child, and not worry about anything - work, relationship, studying. I shall sit and admire mermaids, whilst fighting pirates! Just call me Peter Pan!
First of all, so glad I found your new blog! Your other one just disappeared and I was worried. :-o Glad I randomly checked up on you again to find you had started this new space.
ReplyDeleteAs far as the rest...wow, that's a lot you've been going through in the interim! I don't blame you for feeling a bit shellshocked and a bit betrayed that BF googled your blog after you talked to him about it. I'm glad you decided to work through that, though....as much as I hate to admit it, I understand how the curiosity got the best of him! Unfortunately this is the risk we take blogging on non-private blogs, I suppose! :-o
As far as the last event that unfolded...wow. That would be really, really hard for me to stomach. I can't imagine how that feels knowing that immediately after having the exclusivity talk with you, he went and slept with someone else. WTF? That's a pretty screwed up reaction to that event. I would 100% have trust issues as a result of that, as it's a pretty lousy way to start off a committed, exclusive relationship. And I must admit that the logic that he slept with her because he felt guilty for hurting her rings fairly false to me. I'm not saying he's a terrible guy at this point, but that was a really shitty move, and I'd honestly have more respect if he'd just admit the likely truth, which was that he slept with her because he could, one last time. Maybe that's not the case, but pity sex? To make up for choosing someone else? Not sure that's a good way to close a door.
I definitely understand feeling very conflicted, and I don't think taking more time to consider things is a bad idea. This is one of those pivotal relationship moments and you don't want to rush into your decision on where to go now. If you don't deal with this properly, it will be something that is always an undercurrent for you, waiting to get stoked, a point of resentment. You really need to figure out a) if you want to forgive this and move forward and b) how to truly do that in a way that balances taking care of yourself and being fair to the relationship you've invested almost a year in. Hugs to you, and so glad to have found you again!
Hi there! I am glad to have found your new place. I think BF's actions after your exclusivity talk were terrible judgment, but I could understand it happening as this would be the last time he would see this other girl. I totally empathize with your not knowing whether or not to forgive him because you want to keep your standards high in what you expect from a boyfriend...and I understand that he wouldn't want to admit it to you right away because he might lose you by telling the truth about his mistake. It sounds like you two are making good progress in talking things through, and hopefully that will be what restores your trust and makes you both comfortable again.
ReplyDeleteI can't imagine the feelings of a boyfriend reading my dating blog... I would want to go in a corner and never come out! So glad you were able to get through that.