Is it just me or does this scenario 'cross the line'?
I was talking to a girlfriend recently and she was saying that a female friend of her boyfriend messages him all the time. When she raised this with him, he was very indignant and demanded to know whether she trusted him or not. She trusts him and to be honest, he is a lovely guy and clearly adores my girlfriend so I just think 'Why is this random chick badgering him? Boundaries exist for a reason!' Anyway, this made me think back to BF.
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So, there was a girl from North Carolina who he'd met online; she was a photographer (so she worked in the same industry). In the past, they had had a sexual relationship - he'd even travelled to visit her several times, but subsequently they were just 'friends' even though she expressed that she wanted to be more...
When he was with me, initially she was really weird with him and it led to 'radio silence' from her. After about 6 months, she crept out of the woodwork and was super friendly via WhatsApp - like nothing had happened. Remember that 'conversation' that I had with BF which led to one of our biggest arguments? One of the thingsI found out during that time was that BF had 'fooled around' with her when we weren't 'exclusive' during the early days of our courtship, which made me a bit paranoid. I trusted him. The thing was, as time past, she would message him at all hours of the day (even with the time difference, she messaged him); I would hear his phone vibrate when we were in bed together or during days out together.
The messages were friendly, just 'Hey, what's up. How are you? What have you been up to?' type of messages. He would wouldn't reply straight away but she would continue messaging him. Then followed him on Twitter, Instagram and friended him on Facebook. When I had asked BF about it. He would dismissively say she's a friend and he only talks to her about work, so things like camera lenses etc. To be fair, BF was honest and true. But I felt like a terrible person when I mentioned it to him that I hated the fact that she was so clingy and seemed to want to encroach on my 'territory'.
I just thought, 'Why is she connecting with him on all these social platforms? Messaging all hours of the day? Does she not understand boundaries?' I mean I have guy friends who are married, engaged or whatever. I would never dream of messaging them so often or late at night. And if they didn't message back, I wouldn't be worried and constantly message to require a 'follow-up'.
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My girlfriend is understandably upset. They had an argument where he demanded to know whether she was curbing his freedom and making him choose between her and the 'friend'. This wasn't the question in the first place. The question is, whether it's just a lack of trust or general insecurity? Or are there unspoken boundaries, which you don't cross when your friends are in a relationship?
Is there even a line to cross?
It's a line if it makes her uncomfortable, and if she brought it up to him in a responsible way (ie, not super emotional or accusing, just asking about it) and HE reacted with "don't you trust me?" then I would end the relationship. Not even kidding. You remember Unicorn Girl with me and Miles? There was more info about that that I never wrote about, and lets just say that I wouldn't have ever moved out here if I'd known.
ReplyDeleteI'm good friends with a former coworker in San Diego (he's male). He is now seeing a girl who is very territorial, and she asked about his phone going off. To be fair, he has a lot of girls he would talk to, but they ebb and flow. We communicate mostly via text, but also Snapchat and sometimes Twitter. She asked about the girls he talks to and he told her about me, who I am, and what are relationship is, and that's as much "drama" as it caused. If he cannot do that, then chopping block. Honestly, the bullshit it can cause and stress it will give me, is no longer worth it. I know myself and what I am okay and not okay with. I think that is something she needs to ask herself.