Apologies for being an introvert...

I met a really awesome inspiring woman who is my age (but way more successful in her career) last year. Despite living in the same city, we hadn't run into each other before, but since then we have become firm friends. We have the same sense of humour and passions. To me, she's like the more 'together' version of me - #girlcrush!

Last week, over a couple of drinks, we were talking about her new property project - she's just bought and is renovating a house with her husband. She was saying that it was been a test of their marriage, as she's asked him to do simple things like measure space for the sofa/couch and he got it wrong. On that note, she said, "I feel we're similar in that we don't suffer fools gladly, so I had to bite my tongue and avoid rolling my eyes at my husband."

 I didn't think much about the comment until recently. I went to a '4th July BBQ' with those young twenty-somethings that riled me up in January. Conversation turned to weddings again - one girl is having 3 bachelorette parties. She explained that she wanted to party and celebrate - with a heavy emphasis on party. It seemed that the main thing on these kids minds was partying, drinking (to get drunk) and going to bars. I'm all for having a glass of wine and talking/hanging out with friends, but where your sole objective is to get drunk, I feel like is an expensive and pointless hobby. One that I grew out of that when I was 21... 

I felt out of place and frustrated with these people as I just thought "There must be more to life than this. Is it me or does this seem incredibly vapid?"

"Why did you go?" I hear you ask. Well, they're friends of friends and I feel I have to occasionally come out of my hermitage and interact with some new people from time to time. Thinking back to my friend who said "We don't suffer fools gladly," that phrase came back to haunt me. As an introvert, it wasn't the social anxiety that worried me, but more that I just don't respect these people. I mingle fine professionally and at conferences, I just simply do not like these people... To me, they're children. I found the whole evening exhausting and draining; it has sent me into a bit of a funk for the past couple of days. Initially, I thought that maybe I was being judgmental - perhaps I am... Then I reflected on it because it made me feel sad for a number of days. After speaking to a counsellor about my anxieties and going to mindfulness sessions, I realise that I have to also recognise the validity in my own feelings. I often don't, which is a problem. I'm allowed to 'be me'.

I found myself irritated at this BBQ - annoyed that I was wasting my rare 'downtime' to hang out with people whose biggest concern their next drink. I was annoyed that these were 'friends of friends' and that made me lose respect for my friends for being associated with them. I was frustrated that I tried to 'fit in', smile and play nice but no-one really made an effort to talk to me or get to know me. God... I sound conceited... 

I spoke to a close friend who was also at the BBQ, he said that the problem is me and my social anxiety. He said this taints my social experiences with pessimism and negativity, which manifests in a 'standoffishness'. This really hurt my feelings - I've always tried to have nice conversations with these people... I feel that's a wrong impression because like I say, I can mingle professionally and have made some amazing friends; it might not be quantity but they're definitely quality. Equally, it's incredibly exhausting for an introvert to be around people... I don't feel like I need to apologise for introverts, equally, I don't feel like I should apologise for being me... But my close friend said it's me because everyone is 'fun-loving' whereas I'm not. After that conversation, I felt quite hurt - sometimes I do not even know why I try to head out of my comfort zone!