“Thou and I are too wise to woo peaceably.” -- William Shakespeare, Much Ado About Nothing.
Following from my previous post, 3 things echoed in my head about the whole 'dating game':
1) Pre-"exclusivity", anything is "fair game"
2) Not putting your eggs into one basket
3) BF has a very different attitude towards sex
Maybe I'm not suited to modern dating, but these two things don't sit well on my conscience. I mean, yes, the second one is important, because online dating is essentially a numbers game - you meet a lot of weirdos, in order to find 1-2 normal guys who you might even have some compatibility with. I guess, I think it should be done with more respect for the other person...
I haven't stayed at BF's for a while, so I was really looking forward to the weekend to spending time with him, waking up next to him and making breakfast together. There hadn't been an opportunity to talk all day, as we spent a lovely time walking, enjoying cups of tea, and some street food. So, as we cuddled in bed, I needed to know more and see where I stood.
I was concerned (that's putting it lightly), I spent a few sleepless nights, thinking in my head, "What next?" Since the can of worms was opened, I needed to know the details, because I couldn't picture it in my head, and believe me I have had some vivid dreams of the sordid particulars!
1) Pre-Exclusivity
Saturday night was spent hashing it out (I didn't end up sleeping unit 6:30am and it was difficult to even share a room with BF, let alone a room). I found out that 'the friend' was someone he had met on adult chatroom online a long time ago, she was one of those flirty friends, you have. The flirting eventually tapers off, and you somehow become friends (I think everyone has one of those).
Suffice to say, I was annoyed that BF had told me that she was a university friend. He then tried to justify it by saying, "It was before we were exclusive - it was in the very early days of us dating - we had only been on 2 dates, and I had known her a long time."
2) Eggs in one basket
I admit I'm not the easiest person to get to know. I've been disappointed by people in my life - they fade in and out, and I have found that the only people I can trust are my family and maybe 2 friends.
However, when I asked BF about the 'friends with benefits' woman, it turns out the night after our 4th date (he had invited me to a cider festival but I couldn't make it, as I had plans), he went to the festival and met the woman there. Thus leading to a 'friends with benefits' relationship. Apparently, BF said that it was because I was so distant, and there was a 'wall' between us, so he didn't want to put his eggs into one basket... Well, a 'friends with benefits' situation, whilst also sleeping with your ex, is hardly trying to develop a relationship.
Equally, he could have spoken to me more. I mean he was so aloof and distant when we were first dating that I just didn't know where I stood! Anyway, he was annoyed that I was angry at him, claiming he wasn't a 'mind reader', when I told him that he could have talked to me more or asked me out more, because he was so 'cool' initially!
3) Attitudes towards sex
Perhaps I am a prude, but I have always found it difficult to disentangle the physical aspect of sex with the emotional side. I wouldn't start something, if I didn't believe that it meant something. BF believes something different; he explained that early on as a 'young man', he wanted to explore and it was something to enjoy, regardless of being in a relationship or not. He claims that a relationship makes it 'even better' but he doesn't necessarily agree that it's being 'cavalier'.
I'm tired of this being an emotional groundhog day. I know I deserve better and I guess the worrying thing is that I'm thinking of calling things off...
I think that 95% of men are going to have a different attitude about sex. Sometimes it's just a fuck, to be quite crass about it. The lying is what I don't agree with, why can't he just be honest about who that girl was? I'm sure he thought you would judge him if it was someone from an online chat room vs meeting in real life, so I can understand that he was maybe ashamed about it.
ReplyDeleteDo what's best for you, always. If this isn't floating your boat anymore, and you just can't get past it, then you know what you need to do at this point.
He wasn't even lying to spare your feelings, he was just lying. That makes no sense.
ReplyDeleteOne thing I will say, and I hope this doesn't sound harsh, is when I read your previous blog and you were seeing two guys (BF and Blue, I think his name was?), you sounded somewhat iffy about BF in your posts. I remember feeling a little surprised when you became officially boyfriend/girlfriend because I didn't think your feelings were as strong. Obviously it could have just been how you wrote about him. Or a gross miscommunication between you and BF.
What does your gut tell you? Deep down, could you see a future with BF?
I wrote another comment but I don't see it. Basically I said as a person who has been married and divorced, I really wish I had paid more attention to the red flags. There seem to be a few here, but only you can see the whole situation.
ReplyDeleteI'm with the other commenters. If your gut is telling you something is off, it's not going to go away. You keep getting more and more information, and the takeaway is that he was dishonest with you for no valid reason.
ReplyDeleteThis kind of thing is very hard to get over. In your position, I would constantly be wondering what else he hadn't told me, as every time you think you know the whole story some new detail comes out that is not flattering to him. The fact that he had the nerve to be annoyed with you about any of this bothers me, too. :-/
Ultimately, only you know this relationship. We only know what we read, which is a slim portion of a whole. Do what you feel you need to do, don't settle for less than you think you deserve!
It is so tough to decide what to do when you have so much history with a guy. I agree with what Bluemoon says about certain gut feelings - sometimes when I have a bad one, my mind builds on it, constantly collecting new supporting evidence until I can barely or no longer see the original (good) situation. At the same time, these battle all the great things and moments you've had... I feel for you - I can't decide what to do in my situation either.
ReplyDeleteOn another note, I feel like so many guys under/about age 30 have a casual attitude towards sex. I think many guys this age have had many sexual experiences, but you can tell they are maturing if they want to settle down and commit to one woman. These days, I feel like that's going to be the goal for many women.