I've changed... And not for the better...

Apologies for the 'radio silence'.

I've been somewhat of a hermit, trying to balance my procrastination with bundles of work that needs doing! I guess my main enemy is putting pen to paper, especially when I'm uninspired, as being somewhat of a perfectionist, if I don't like it, it is immediately deleted (rather than re-drafted).

Equally things between BF have been strained since the deletion of my old blog...

What's new in my little kingdom?

New job

I started a new job in June as a university professor, which ticked the lifelong dream of mine. I soon became jaded with the application process, workload, the internal politics (adults who behave like children) and the stark discrimination that occurred - I was told by management that I shouldn't apply when a male colleague had been told that he would have a job regardless of how his interview went.

Taking this new job brought back a lot of past emotions which were negative. The stress of the job has had its toll on me as a person as I have been quite bleak and prioritised work - wanting to prove naysayers that I'm a competent person plus when I'm upset I throw myself into work.


Lost a good friend

A good friend of mine has been dating a Finnish girl for a number of years - it was a physically and mentally abusive relationship. They moved to Finland but after 6 months moved back to the UK - I was super excited about this because I could see my friend again without needing to hop on a plane!

After consoling my friend after the Finnish girlfriend lashed out physically during an argument, I had expressed my concerns about the maturity of the girlfriend and suggested that the latter sought counseling for her anger. After another argument, my friend paraphrased my words and said "Alys says you need to grow up!" The girlfriend obviously didn't like hearing those words and decided to verbally abuse me via SMS, Facebook etc and didn't let my friend contact me afterwards.

The couple have subsequently broken up and my friend apologised but things aren't the same. We used to laugh and message about silly immature things, but we barely speak now.

BF

Hmm.. where do I start? It's been a turbulent time - full of change, which has had its toll on our relationship... We've fought - a lot; sometimes it's over little things like lack of phone calls or him asking me to hold his bag. Admittedly, I am an impatient person.

After almost 4 years though, I still love him dearly. I know it's cliche but he is my sunshine - the one thing I look forward to speaking to, especially at the end of the day. But I've changed as a person and not necessarily for the better - the new job makes me stressed, I put long hours in at work, I constantly complain about how unfair the discrimination at work is. I lashed out at him emotionally, simply because he was there - I was critical and mean about his kind gestures and eventually took them for granted. I'm not surprised what happened next...

Unsurprisingly, he broke up with me 2 days ago. He told me our relationship no longer felt 'right' and he was no longer 'in love' with me.

That hurt. I didn't realise that he had felt this way for so long.

After months of bottling my emotions inside, I broke down and cradled myself in my arms on his floor, tears pouring down my face.  I realised that the critical attitude my parents had towards me, I had embodied that towards him and I had prioritised work over him; I had brought my negative stress home and kept him at a distance rather than letting him in.

I recanted all the negative things in my life and how they wore me down. I had changed as a person. Even I don't recognise who I became over the last two years.

I just fear that I won't stop loving him and missing him in my life...