“War is peace.
Freedom is slavery.
Ignorance is strength.”
-- George Orwell, 1984
Once upon a time, I thought honesty was the best policy, but now I'm rethinking things (at least in my head) with regards to BF. I am not saying manipulating and lying, but I'm merely saying, some things are best unsaid and unknown, because knowing doesn't benefit anyone.
For example, I didn't need to know about BF's 'dalliances'. Anyway, I REALLY didn't want to talk more about it, but he felt the need to 'unburden' his guilty conscience (what am I - a priest?!!?) Turns out, it wasn't even a woman he was dating but a 'friend with benefits' situation, who thought that what they had, was leading somewhere, and BF hadn't a clue that she had feelings for him! At the SAME time, his ex was still on the scene, and when he was breaking up with her, he ended up sleeping with her as well! Seriously?! Break-up sex is NEVER a good thing!!!
Lying in bed a couple of days ago, I mentioned to BF that 'The Boy' had been in contact (a guy that I had dated briefly, but he was just a drug-addled mess) and despite having blocked the latter, he had changed his number. Anyway, I didn't know what to do, as I didn't want to ignore the message (I hate ignoring people), but I knew 'The Boy' would never grow up and I was never comfortable with the fact that he would proposition me for hook-up sex, even if I wanted to stay friends!
Anyway, that led to yet ANOTHER confession! Last summer, when BF and I started dating (well, our second date), BF went to visit an old university friend in Thailand and for a holiday. Anyway, 'things' ensued, and while it was not full-blown sex, it was enough to affect their friendship.
And the can of worms has exploded! I'm also wondering whether BF can keep it in his pants...
Times likes these, I don't want to know!
OK, so for clarification...did this all happen after the two of you had started dating? I know this Thailand thing is clearly early on, but did he sleep with an ex AND sleep with this friends with benefits person early on, too?
ReplyDeleteI know the "ignorance is bliss" theory sounds easier, but in this situation, I would be fairly troubled by the fact that my now BF slept with two other people and ALMOST slept with another in the early stages of our dating. One is something that happens, I get it. No commitment made yet, not obligated to anyone. Two I can theoretically understand by the same rule, but (almost) three? I'd be wondering if he has any self control at all and evaluating what little value he was placing on physical intimacy.
At this point I would also be seriously wary of what else he's been holding back, as it seems that it's just one disclosure after another. It's like he's seeing that you're sticking around after one "confession" and subsequently unloading another on you, and so forth.
Again, I know mostly happened early on before you had any specific obligation to each other (though one was right after you decided to be committed, right??), but I guess I'd just personally be very wary of someone who was so cavalier about sleeping around. And like I said before, I'd be very hesitant to trust that there weren't more "confessions" looming on the horizon.
Have you sat down and just asked if he's unburdened his soul of all of this yet, or if you should be prepared for more? I know you claim you don't want to know, but he seems to be confessing regardless, so I'd want to prepare accordingly. I wouldn't want to be jerked around thinking I know everything only to have yet ANOTHER confession come up as soon as you think you've got a handle on the others.
Hugs to you---this frustrates me on your behalf!
The Thailand thing happened after 2 weeks of dating (me) and the other two things happened about 10 weeks into dating (me), before we made things 'official'. I did ask him if there were any other confessions; I explicitly said to him, "Are there any more skeletons in the closet?" To which, he replied, "No, that's it." Until recently...
ReplyDeleteI'm becoming very tired of this situation, and it just emphasises the doubts I have been having recently. Like you say, it's a very cavalier attitude towards sex, and I just think, "Does he have any self control?"
Thanks for the support though. It's good to get it off my chest!
OK, I guess that's good that none happened after things became official. I thought that's what you had said with the first disclosure was that after you'd had that talk he went and did that first thing.
DeleteEither way, yeah--something to think about. Good luck! Take care of yourself. :-)
Yikes. To bluemoon's point, it's worrisome that he might be holding back more. But I'd almost rather know either nothing or everything. Not these little random glimpses.
ReplyDeleteI do think that while you're dating but not exclusive, all is fair game. Personally I don't want to sleep with multiple people, but many others have no issue there.
I went on lots of dates when I first met BF including 4-5 with one guy (we never went "all the way"), but I have no interest in telling BF that.... it would only hurt his feelngs. So even if I felt guilty (I don't), I don't think it's fair to "unload."
If there were more confessions, how would you handle them? I don't think that you should put all your eggs in one basket while dating, but to be sleeping around with as many girls is, as you say, cavalier of him.
ReplyDeleteI won't even say "he's just a guy", because not all guys are like that. If this is something you really don't like, then you have every right. I'm thinking back to how much he tried to get you into bed when you guys were dating. I mean, sex is a huge motivator for most men. If not all, it seems. I don't know! Take some time and really think about things.