“I don't want whatever I want. Nobody does. Not really. What kind of fun would it be if I just got everything I ever wanted just like that, and it didn't mean anything? What then?” -- Neil Gaiman, Coraline.
Migraines, work, writer's block and having 10,000 words to write for my doctorate. That has been my 'routine' for the past few weeks. Frustratingly, I sprained my ankle a few weeks ago, and it's still a bit achey when I run on it, so I haven't been able to 'blow off steam' when I've been staring at a blank screen all day.
BF and I are back to some semblance of what we were before the 'incidents', but I think whilst I was blissfully unaware before, I am a little bit 'on edge' as I know that 'one more thing' would effectively break us, as I would run for the proverbial hills! In the same vein, I know that I am over-compensating for the 'dip' because I want us to work, so I am thinking of interesting new and fun dates and wanting to talk to him more (even though I hate opening up).
It's also quite exhausting; I know by nature, I am very indecisive so I like to plan ahead, so I don't have to "Um" and "Ah" when BF asks me "What would you like to eat for dinner?" or "Where shall we go?" Equally, I know he's quite indecisive too, and I know he's only being considerate and wanting to make me happy by asking my opinion. However, just once, I would just like him to say "Let's go here today" or "I heard about this great little wine bar, let's go there, as I would love a drink."
I love being in control, in life. I hate being told what to do; I have always been very independent, but occasionally having someone take over the reins (when you're willing to hand them over) is refreshing! Especially after a stressful day, I wish I could be 5 years old again, and be told what to wear, what time to go to bed and given a plate of food and be told to eat it. I don't have to worry about 'wasting time' wandering around aimlessly!
I also wish I could go back to being that precocious child saying, "I want you to do this!" or "I want this!" Without having to worry about sugar-coating what I say, or offending people's sensibilities. In relationships, I think we worry about how the other person feels and perceives us, so we're always on 'tenterhooks' about voicing our worries, despite their reassurances. This is very true for me, and it takes me a long time to phrase and even say, something as simple as, "When can I next see you?"
BF and I had a halfhearted discussion this week about him coming over to my place more. He doesn't drive so the commute would be hell for him, so I said I don't mind going over to his. The thing is, I mentioned in our recent argument that while I wanted space from him, pathetically, every time the door knocked, I secretly hoped it was him with a big bunch of tulips because, I just needed a hug but was too proud to ask for one! Instead, my anger picked up pace and I cried in my bedroom - too upset to see friends (I didn't want to be that friend crying over spilt milk), whilst he went out with friends to 'sort out his head'. Despite saying this, I don't think it registered in his head; probably because it wasn't said in an explicit manner, such as, "I want you to come to my house, knock on the door and apologise with some flowers, because I need to see you and I need a hug!"
Me as an adult = 0; Me as a child =1.
