“I keep turning over new leaves, and spoiling them, as I used to spoil my copybooks; and I make so many beginnings there never will be an end." -- Louisa May Alcott, Little Women.
A new blog and a new start...
You might have noticed the disappearance of the old one and thanks for your concern TJ, it was really sweet!
So what happened?
It was Sunday night - part of the Easter holidays. I had spent a magical 4-day weekend with my boyfriend (BF); we had went to a new French patisserie shop; gone for a run (I really dislike running with other people, it's my thing - a solitary thing for me to 'blow off steam' and be alone with my thoughts); saw the new Ghibli film - Princess Kaguya; went to a chocolate festival and even had a lovely dinner with his mum. I was just so, so, so happy - it was the happiest I have ever been.
Whilst lying in bed, I reminisced about how we met, and how I initially felt about BF. At which point, I wanted to 'come clean' and to tell him honestly about my blog, and I wanted to read to him, the first entry about him. I could tell I piqued his curiosity - he wanted to know about it and he wanted to read what I had written about him. When I said 'No' (I wanted to share an entry with him, but not all of it, yet), I didn't give it a second thought that create a chain of events to follow...
After leaving BF's place on Monday night, I settled into bed, and fell asleep. Tuesday morning, I receive a Whatsapp message from BF, explaining he had googled my blog - read it and asked me whether I still had feelings for one of the men I had dated.
Cold shock ran through me, before turning into anger, betrayal, fear and hurt. I had tried to blog anonymously, so I could write down my private and inner insecurities, my irrational gripes, my judgements about people, my fears and my muddled ramblings on my life. I didn't want someone I loved, trusted and respected reading the worst parts of me...
My blog was my coping mechanism when I needed to rationalise my emotions in my head and siphon them out - think of me as Dumbledore and the blog being like an emotional/thought pensive! On paper, my musings were the worst parts of me - the ones I keep hidden away; my crazy thoughts I put on paper so that:
1) I could acknowledge how I felt
2) Recognise the validity of those feelings
3) Stop feeling that way, because I had written them down and taken the fuse away.
It was sacred to me... I know, I know, "Don't post online, if you wanted it to be private; why did you tell him?"
Tuesday was spent crying, feeling a deep rage and disgusted, as well as, deep anxiety and fear. I didn't want to lose BF, but at the same time, how could I trust him again?
When I am upset, I 'shutdown', I retreat inwardly and I don't want to talk to anyone, which is exactly what I did. BF was clearly upset, he sent me text messages, Whatsapp messages and called me, leaving me several voicemails where he sounded so lost and upset. I didn't want to talk to him; I didn't know what to say and I didn't want to talk to him.
I was so angry with myself at the same time, because I like to think before I act, in a calm and rational manner, but I didn't know where to begin! All I knew was the last thing I wanted to do, is talk to BF, but it was the one thing, I should do!
I've been wondering where you were! I think it wasn't the smartest idea to tell him you have a blog, but I understand wanting to be honest. I've felt the same way at times. Miles knows I write, but I tell him its a journal. I don't know how he would feel about my "anonymous" blogging. Considering my twitter is linked, and then with a little searching you can find my instagram and and photo or two of us together.
ReplyDeleteAs someone who has read your blog since you started dating BF, it really doesn't seem like you have eyes for anyone but him. Hope you guys worked this out.
Also, hope you are not freaked out that I found your new blog. However, if you started it under the same email address account, your user profile is the same and you can have multiple blog names under your profile. The user profile information may have been how BF found you, and it would be easy for him to find the new blog, if he was interested in reading it. You would have to start a new blogger profile under a new Gmail account so you are completely disconnected from the old one and cannot be found. Or just go private and invite the readers of your choosing.
I hope you keep blogging! And that everything turned out ok.
ReplyDeleteI was about to write a blog post asking if anyone knew where you were! I'm glad you're blogging again. I didn't google, just saw you commented on TJs blog :)
ReplyDeleteI'm all about honesty, but I also am a believer that some things should only be shared on a need-to-know basis. Couples who say they have NO secrets just confue me.
One of my biggest fears is that BF will find out about my blog, he doesn't know it exists but I've hidden some older posts just in case. That said, there's nothing wrong with having doubts early in a relationship, thinking about someone else you were just seeing, or expressing concern about the relationship. That's normal! If you believe your partner poops rainbows, you're just delusional.