“I keep turning over new leaves, and spoiling them, as I used to spoil my copybooks; and I make so many beginnings there never will be an end." -- Louisa May Alcott, Little Women.
A new blog and a new start...
You might have noticed the disappearance of the old one and thanks for your concern TJ, it was really sweet!
So what happened?
It was Sunday night - part of the Easter holidays. I had spent a magical 4-day weekend with my boyfriend (BF); we had went to a new French patisserie shop; gone for a run (I really dislike running with other people, it's my thing - a solitary thing for me to 'blow off steam' and be alone with my thoughts); saw the new Ghibli film - Princess Kaguya; went to a chocolate festival and even had a lovely dinner with his mum. I was just so, so, so happy - it was the happiest I have ever been.
Whilst lying in bed, I reminisced about how we met, and how I initially felt about BF. At which point, I wanted to 'come clean' and to tell him honestly about my blog, and I wanted to read to him, the first entry about him. I could tell I piqued his curiosity - he wanted to know about it and he wanted to read what I had written about him. When I said 'No' (I wanted to share an entry with him, but not all of it, yet), I didn't give it a second thought that create a chain of events to follow...
After leaving BF's place on Monday night, I settled into bed, and fell asleep. Tuesday morning, I receive a Whatsapp message from BF, explaining he had googled my blog - read it and asked me whether I still had feelings for one of the men I had dated.
Cold shock ran through me, before turning into anger, betrayal, fear and hurt. I had tried to blog anonymously, so I could write down my private and inner insecurities, my irrational gripes, my judgements about people, my fears and my muddled ramblings on my life. I didn't want someone I loved, trusted and respected reading the worst parts of me...
My blog was my coping mechanism when I needed to rationalise my emotions in my head and siphon them out - think of me as Dumbledore and the blog being like an emotional/thought pensive! On paper, my musings were the worst parts of me - the ones I keep hidden away; my crazy thoughts I put on paper so that:
1) I could acknowledge how I felt
2) Recognise the validity of those feelings
3) Stop feeling that way, because I had written them down and taken the fuse away.
It was sacred to me... I know, I know, "Don't post online, if you wanted it to be private; why did you tell him?"
Tuesday was spent crying, feeling a deep rage and disgusted, as well as, deep anxiety and fear. I didn't want to lose BF, but at the same time, how could I trust him again?
When I am upset, I 'shutdown', I retreat inwardly and I don't want to talk to anyone, which is exactly what I did. BF was clearly upset, he sent me text messages, Whatsapp messages and called me, leaving me several voicemails where he sounded so lost and upset. I didn't want to talk to him; I didn't know what to say and I didn't want to talk to him.
I was so angry with myself at the same time, because I like to think before I act, in a calm and rational manner, but I didn't know where to begin! All I knew was the last thing I wanted to do, is talk to BF, but it was the one thing, I should do!
