Ignorance is bliss

“War is peace. 

Freedom is slavery. 

Ignorance is strength.”

-- George Orwell, 1984

Once upon a time, I thought honesty was the best policy, but now I'm rethinking things (at least in my head) with regards to BF. I am not saying manipulating and lying, but I'm merely saying, some things are best unsaid and unknown, because knowing doesn't benefit anyone.

For example, I didn't need to know about BF's 'dalliances'. Anyway, I REALLY didn't want to talk more about it, but he felt the need to 'unburden' his guilty conscience (what am I - a priest?!!?) Turns out, it wasn't even a woman he was dating but a 'friend with benefits' situation, who thought that what they had, was leading somewhere, and BF hadn't a clue that she had feelings for him! At the SAME time, his ex was still on the scene, and when he was breaking up with her, he ended up sleeping with her as well! Seriously?! Break-up sex is NEVER a good thing!!!

Lying in bed a couple of days ago, I mentioned to BF that 'The Boy' had been in contact (a guy that I had dated briefly, but he was just a drug-addled mess) and despite having blocked the latter, he had changed his number. Anyway, I didn't know what to do, as I didn't want to ignore the message (I hate ignoring people), but I knew 'The Boy' would never grow up and I was never comfortable with the fact that he would proposition me for hook-up sex, even if I wanted to stay friends!

Anyway, that led to yet ANOTHER confession! Last summer, when BF and I started dating (well, our second date), BF went to visit an old university friend in Thailand and for a holiday. Anyway, 'things' ensued, and while it was not full-blown sex, it was enough to affect their friendship.

And the can of worms has exploded! I'm also wondering whether BF can keep it in his pants...

Times likes these, I don't want to know!

"I want..."

“I don't want whatever I want. Nobody does. Not really. What kind of fun would it be if I just got everything I ever wanted just like that, and it didn't mean anything? What then?” -- Neil Gaiman, Coraline.

Migraines, work, writer's block and having 10,000 words to write for my doctorate. That has been my 'routine' for the past few weeks. Frustratingly, I sprained my ankle a few weeks ago, and it's still a bit achey when I run on it, so I haven't been able to 'blow off steam' when I've been staring at a blank screen all day.

BF and I are back to some semblance of what we were before the 'incidents', but I think whilst I was blissfully unaware before, I am a little bit 'on edge' as I know that 'one more thing' would effectively break us, as I would run for the proverbial hills! In the same vein, I know that I am over-compensating for the 'dip' because I want us to work, so I am thinking of interesting new and fun dates and wanting to talk to him more (even though I hate opening up).

It's also quite exhausting; I know by nature, I am very indecisive so I like to plan ahead, so I don't have to "Um" and "Ah" when BF asks me "What would you like to eat for dinner?" or "Where shall we go?" Equally, I know he's quite indecisive too, and I know he's only being considerate and wanting to make me happy by asking my opinion. However, just once, I would just like him to say "Let's go here today" or "I heard about this great little wine bar, let's go there, as I would love a drink."

I love being in control, in life. I hate being told what to do; I have always been very independent, but occasionally having someone take over the reins (when you're willing to hand them over) is refreshing! Especially after a stressful day, I wish I could be 5 years old again, and be told what to wear, what time to go to bed and given a plate of food and be told to eat it. I don't have to worry about 'wasting time' wandering around aimlessly!

I also wish I could go back to being that precocious child saying, "I want you to do this!" or "I want this!" Without having to worry about sugar-coating what I say, or offending people's sensibilities. In relationships, I think we worry about how the other person feels and perceives us, so we're always on 'tenterhooks' about voicing our worries, despite their reassurances. This is very true for me, and it takes me a long time to phrase and even say, something as simple as, "When can I next see you?"

BF and I had a halfhearted discussion this week about him coming over to my place more. He doesn't drive so the commute would be hell for him, so I said I don't mind going over to his. The thing is, I mentioned in our recent argument that while I wanted space from him, pathetically, every time the door knocked, I secretly hoped it was him with a big bunch of tulips because, I just needed a hug but was too proud to ask for one! Instead, my anger picked up pace and I cried in my bedroom - too upset to see friends (I didn't want to be that friend crying over spilt milk), whilst he went out with friends to 'sort out his head'. Despite saying this, I don't think it registered in his head; probably because it wasn't said in an explicit manner, such as, "I want you to come to my house, knock on the door and apologise with some flowers, because I need to see you and I need a hug!"

Me as an adult = 0; Me as a child =1.

Obstacles

“The best way to treat obstacles is to use them as stepping-stones. Laugh at them, tread on them, and let them lead you to something better.” -- Enid Blyton, Mr. Galliano's Circus.

Following our argument, I felt like shit; I felt guilty for having dated another guy at the time I was dating BF. I felt that by reading my blog, it made him sound like he was my second choice - merely that I am with him, because I had no other options. Equally, I felt bad that he had read my crazy and irrational thoughts, not only that, because BF was upset, he had confided in his mother for advice and consolation, so she knew about the blog and the argument...

I can brush these little things aside, because I can tell that annoying little voice in my head to "shut up!" The thing is, that the trust in our relationship was on tentative ground. I didn't want to feel so exposed; I will admit it - I am a control freak and I don't like change. To trust completely and without hesitation takes time. Then I remembered how much I love BF and that during our argument, we confided in each other, explaining that we wanted a future together. For the first time, I could actually see myself potentially marrying someone and living with him, which would normally send me running for the hills in a terrified daze!

The next few weeks, we papered over the cracks of our relationship, spending time together, trying to repair the damage. I was on tenterhooks, I was so ready to run away and hide; there were moments where I would ask "Are you okay?" or explain that he was my first choice and priority, there were glimpses of hesitation, something I couldn't put my finger on. I thought to myself, "What have I done wrong?" Then I would pull myself together and think, "What can I do to make him feel better?"

It carried on like that for weeks, but we were finally getting over our first 'fight' and things were returning to the same equilibrium as before. Anyway, just before I had to leave on Wednesday, BF confided in me (I had to leave early, because there's this really annoying lady down the road who has her own drive, but insists on parking in front of my house - all day, everyday, so my neighbour and I have this mad 'car-swap' plan, where we alternate parking in front of the house, just so she can't! Hopefully she'll get the message soon!!!)

And, hello, obstacle number 2!!!

When our relationship started becoming intimate and sex was involved, BF was dating another woman. I can't really judge at all, in that regard, considering I was seeing another guy from POF before we had "the talk".

The problem is, when we had the "exclusivity" chat, BF went to the other woman to break-up with her. Obviously, she was upset (who wouldn't be? He's an amazing guy - funny, attractive, kind, ambitious, intelligent - a rare find!) But instead of an apology and perhaps a hug, he slept with her, because he felt guilty for hurting her.

I know BF is only human and he's not perfect, but I've felt so guilty about just going on dates with another guy, whilst we were dating and having made him think that he wasn't my first choice and I've been beating myself up over it and BF didn't mention anything during this time.

Then there's the issue of, it's been almost a year (what a scary prospect, time flies) that BF and I have been dating, and it comes up NOW? Why couldn't he have told me when we had that argument over the blog? I was just starting to feel safe again and there's another bump in the road?! I know the old Shakespearean idiom of "the course of true love never runs smooth" but seriously, after 3-4 weeks?!

The final thing is, we have spoken about these things - about men messing women about emotionally and sexually. We spoke about our male friends and how we felt that their actions were 'wrong' when talk about relationships becomes a tool for sex. And this... Now I just wonder if anything BF said was genuine and sincere?

I know he doesn't talk to her anymore; I know BF loves me; I know it was a mistake, but doubts can be consuming. I don't know if I can trust him and if trust is gone from a relationship, then it struggles to survive. I don't want to be the paranoid girlfriend; equally, I don't want to be the doormat that guys think that they can treat badly and I'll still smile nicely and forgive, just because I want to be nice. And then there's my pride, if I forgive, what does that make me? A fool - can I trust him again; it's taken him so long to tell me...?

I don't know. Relationships are complicated, so much is based on intangible things - trust, faith, compromise...

Ex No. 1 broke my heart - he cheated on me 4 times; I even caught him in OUR flat, in OUR bed. I promised myself that I would never be fooled again, so I started a series of relationships where I knew I wouldn't fall in love, just so I wouldn't be hurt again, even if it was unfulfilling. This time is different, if I jump in, I have the potential to fall further...

Inevitably, I need to be an adult, so I phoned BF, explaining how vulnerable and lost I felt. It still feels a bit raw, so I am very reluctant to meet in person (I hate doing these things face-to-face; I always choke on my principles, and end up doing the 'nice' thing, rather than the 'right thing'). Afterwards a second sleepless night was spent rolling in my bed, picturing things I shouldn't.

I decided to bite the bullet and message BF to meet, but I know he has a prior engagement tonight to meet his friend, so I asked when he was free. I hate when people are 'flaky' so I said BF should see his friend. Then BF replies with a message saying "You should have more time to think. What is convenient for you?" Don't reply my question with another question! Also, don't belittle me, if I've reached out to message you, I've had enough time to think, otherwise I wouldn't be messaging him in the first place!!! Men!!!

Anyway, all I want to do, right now, is, fly away to Neverland and forget everything. Be a child, and not worry about anything - work, relationship, studying. I shall sit and admire mermaids, whilst fighting pirates! Just call me Peter Pan!

Being an Adult

“I am convinced that most people do not grow up...We marry and dare to have children and call that growing up. I think what we do is mostly grow old. We carry accumulation of years in our bodies, and on our faces, but generally our real selves, the children inside, are innocent and shy as magnolias.” -- Maya Angelou, Letter to My Daughter.

I have been thinking about blogging; I have needed to blog, but finding the words and time to sit down and articulate my feelings has been hard to come by. My thoughts have just sat, as a jumbled mess in my head. I guess what I need is an emotional pensieve (like in Harry Potter), so I can just extract those thoughts and look at them from afar! Instead, I just sit sullenly, thinking...

So what happened with the BF?

I felt betrayed; I felt vulnerable and I felt that someone had delved my most private thoughts - opened a Pandora's box of little mind demons that I had jotted down on Blogger, just so they wouldn't sit in my head taunting me. I lost an ounce of trust in the one person I thought I could rely on. I know he is not perfect, but until that moment, I was swanning around, with my head in the clouds, thinking, "This is just amazing!" The next moment, I wanted to instinctively run; I wanted to lock the doors, retreat into the guarded place in my mind and avoid him.

It got to the point where I wanted to  end things, because what is a relationship, if you don't have trust? I rehearsed in my head, about how to approach it, how to tell him that I wanted things to be over. I needed to take control of the situation, in order to stop feeling so exposed; when things get tough, my first instinct is to run. It's probably not the healthiest approach to things, but self-preservation doesn't have to be rational.

He wanted to talk; I didn't. I realised I wasn't behaving like an adult - more like a sulking toddler, so I eventually replied his messages, albeit, in a curt and 'straight to the point' manner. I ended up speaking to him on the phone, and we both cried. BF asked me to meet him in person to talk, I really didn't want to. I just wanted to distance myself from the whole thing altogether!

In the end, I met him in person. I heard his footsteps as he ran to the front door and I didn't know how to behave; I really dislike physical contact with people I am not comfortable around, but seeing how lost he looked, I couldn't help but melt inside and went to hug him. He responded with a strong embrace; I could hear his heart pounding in his chest. We went and spoke in his room; I realised I didn't want things to end but I was scared. BF started crying as we spoke; then I cried and I realised I loved this guy so much; I wanted a future with him, something that I have never wanted with anyone else that I have dated.

I couldn't throw something this special away, just because I was scared and wanted to protect my feelings. I had to 'man up', move forward, and forgive. To be honest, seeing him so vulnerable and lost, my heart broke, I had hurt him as much as he had hurt me, and all I wanted to do is to hug him close and soothe him. So we agreed to move forward, and forget the whole incident and spent the next month, weeks, days, rebuilding the foundations of our relationship and papering over the cracks...

 It's hard being an adult; if you want me I'll be hiding in my homemade fort!!!

A New Start...

“I keep turning over new leaves, and spoiling them, as I used to spoil my copybooks; and I make so many beginnings there never will be an end." -- Louisa May Alcott, Little Women.

A new blog and a new start...

You might have noticed the disappearance of the old one and thanks for your concern TJ, it was really sweet!

So what happened?

It was Sunday night - part of the Easter holidays. I had spent a magical 4-day weekend with my boyfriend (BF); we had went to a new French patisserie shop; gone for a run (I really dislike running with other people, it's my thing - a solitary thing for me to 'blow off steam' and be alone with my thoughts); saw the new Ghibli film - Princess Kaguya; went to a chocolate festival and even had a lovely dinner with his mum. I was just so, so, so happy - it was the happiest I have ever been.

Whilst lying in bed, I reminisced about how we met, and how I initially felt about BF. At which point, I wanted to 'come clean' and to tell him honestly about my blog, and I wanted to read to him, the first entry about him. I could tell I piqued his curiosity - he wanted to know about it and he wanted to read what I had written about him. When I said 'No' (I wanted to share an entry with him, but not all of it, yet), I didn't give it a second thought that create a chain of events to follow...

After leaving BF's place on Monday night, I settled into bed, and fell asleep. Tuesday morning, I receive a Whatsapp message from BF, explaining he had googled my blog - read it and asked me whether I still had feelings for one of the men I had dated.

Cold shock ran through me, before turning into anger, betrayal, fear and hurt. I had tried to blog anonymously, so I could write down my private and inner insecurities, my irrational gripes, my judgements about people, my fears and my muddled ramblings on my life. I didn't want someone I loved, trusted and respected reading the worst parts of me...

My blog was my coping mechanism when I needed to rationalise my emotions in my head and siphon them out - think of me as Dumbledore and the blog being like an emotional/thought pensive! On paper, my musings were the worst parts of me - the ones I keep hidden away; my crazy thoughts I put on paper so that:
1) I could acknowledge how I felt
2) Recognise the validity of those feelings
3) Stop feeling that way, because I had written them down and taken the fuse away.

It was sacred to me... I know, I know, "Don't post online, if you wanted it to be private; why did you tell him?"

Tuesday was spent crying, feeling a deep rage and disgusted, as well as, deep anxiety and fear. I didn't want to lose BF, but at the same time, how could I trust him again?

When I am upset, I 'shutdown', I retreat inwardly and I don't want to talk to anyone, which is exactly what I did. BF was clearly upset, he sent me text messages, Whatsapp messages and called me, leaving me several voicemails where he sounded so lost and upset. I didn't want to talk to him; I didn't know what to say and I didn't want to talk to him.

I was so angry with myself at the same time, because I like to think before I act, in a calm and rational manner, but I didn't know where to begin! All I knew was the last thing I wanted to do, is talk to BF, but it was the one thing, I should do!