Being an Adult

“I am convinced that most people do not grow up...We marry and dare to have children and call that growing up. I think what we do is mostly grow old. We carry accumulation of years in our bodies, and on our faces, but generally our real selves, the children inside, are innocent and shy as magnolias.” -- Maya Angelou, Letter to My Daughter.

I have been thinking about blogging; I have needed to blog, but finding the words and time to sit down and articulate my feelings has been hard to come by. My thoughts have just sat, as a jumbled mess in my head. I guess what I need is an emotional pensieve (like in Harry Potter), so I can just extract those thoughts and look at them from afar! Instead, I just sit sullenly, thinking...

So what happened with the BF?

I felt betrayed; I felt vulnerable and I felt that someone had delved my most private thoughts - opened a Pandora's box of little mind demons that I had jotted down on Blogger, just so they wouldn't sit in my head taunting me. I lost an ounce of trust in the one person I thought I could rely on. I know he is not perfect, but until that moment, I was swanning around, with my head in the clouds, thinking, "This is just amazing!" The next moment, I wanted to instinctively run; I wanted to lock the doors, retreat into the guarded place in my mind and avoid him.

It got to the point where I wanted to  end things, because what is a relationship, if you don't have trust? I rehearsed in my head, about how to approach it, how to tell him that I wanted things to be over. I needed to take control of the situation, in order to stop feeling so exposed; when things get tough, my first instinct is to run. It's probably not the healthiest approach to things, but self-preservation doesn't have to be rational.

He wanted to talk; I didn't. I realised I wasn't behaving like an adult - more like a sulking toddler, so I eventually replied his messages, albeit, in a curt and 'straight to the point' manner. I ended up speaking to him on the phone, and we both cried. BF asked me to meet him in person to talk, I really didn't want to. I just wanted to distance myself from the whole thing altogether!

In the end, I met him in person. I heard his footsteps as he ran to the front door and I didn't know how to behave; I really dislike physical contact with people I am not comfortable around, but seeing how lost he looked, I couldn't help but melt inside and went to hug him. He responded with a strong embrace; I could hear his heart pounding in his chest. We went and spoke in his room; I realised I didn't want things to end but I was scared. BF started crying as we spoke; then I cried and I realised I loved this guy so much; I wanted a future with him, something that I have never wanted with anyone else that I have dated.

I couldn't throw something this special away, just because I was scared and wanted to protect my feelings. I had to 'man up', move forward, and forgive. To be honest, seeing him so vulnerable and lost, my heart broke, I had hurt him as much as he had hurt me, and all I wanted to do is to hug him close and soothe him. So we agreed to move forward, and forget the whole incident and spent the next month, weeks, days, rebuilding the foundations of our relationship and papering over the cracks...

 It's hard being an adult; if you want me I'll be hiding in my homemade fort!!!