Almost gone...

I'm so lost right now...

So, the biggest story is that BF and me got back together. I was working on me and trying to be more positive as a person, but somehow that slipped off the radar and I became accustomed to the routine of being with him.

Whilst I felt him pulling away, he never told me and there's only so many times I can ask "Are you okay? Are we okay?" I thought our jobs have been stressful and we haven't spent quality time together - we were constantly distracted about deadlines and little things like Facebook. So we decided to organise a trip to Spain - just the two of us to rekindle things, but I felt he was keeping me at arms-length away emotionally. Then this week, it was radio silence because he was busy at work. I thought to give him space and let him deal with the stress without me adding to the mix.

Yesterday, out of the blue, he tells me again that he's no longer in love with me and we've become 'stuck in a rut'. Not once did he tell me that he was feeling this way before or that we needed to work on our relationship. He tells me, he doesn't feel 'butterflies' and 'fireworks'. He says, talking to me has become a chore and an obligation... What hurts is the fact, he never talked to me about his feelings although subconsciously I knew that he was pulling away and didn't want to be with me. I feel so angry at the same time. That's such bull - why didn't he talk to me or open up to me?! I was carrying the relationship and I never once felt it reciprocated. My parents have been married for over 40 years, my father once told me that relationships require devotion and energy that you have to be prepared for. I was ready to do that, but why can't he??? He says he doesn't know how to process his feelings, so he cannot recognise them. How am I supposed to know if he won't tell me or interact with me on a meaningful level?!

I cried for hours yesterday and the same again today. My eyes hurt and so does my head from the tears. I like him but I feel that I have also fallen out of love with him too. He's my best friend in so many ways and I don't know what it will be like having him slip away. I want to fight for us; I want to know that we both tried but I don't know if he will actually do that... I'm scared because I felt he was the 'one' and he's almost gone...

Apologies for being an introvert...

I met a really awesome inspiring woman who is my age (but way more successful in her career) last year. Despite living in the same city, we hadn't run into each other before, but since then we have become firm friends. We have the same sense of humour and passions. To me, she's like the more 'together' version of me - #girlcrush!

Last week, over a couple of drinks, we were talking about her new property project - she's just bought and is renovating a house with her husband. She was saying that it was been a test of their marriage, as she's asked him to do simple things like measure space for the sofa/couch and he got it wrong. On that note, she said, "I feel we're similar in that we don't suffer fools gladly, so I had to bite my tongue and avoid rolling my eyes at my husband."

 I didn't think much about the comment until recently. I went to a '4th July BBQ' with those young twenty-somethings that riled me up in January. Conversation turned to weddings again - one girl is having 3 bachelorette parties. She explained that she wanted to party and celebrate - with a heavy emphasis on party. It seemed that the main thing on these kids minds was partying, drinking (to get drunk) and going to bars. I'm all for having a glass of wine and talking/hanging out with friends, but where your sole objective is to get drunk, I feel like is an expensive and pointless hobby. One that I grew out of that when I was 21... 

I felt out of place and frustrated with these people as I just thought "There must be more to life than this. Is it me or does this seem incredibly vapid?"

"Why did you go?" I hear you ask. Well, they're friends of friends and I feel I have to occasionally come out of my hermitage and interact with some new people from time to time. Thinking back to my friend who said "We don't suffer fools gladly," that phrase came back to haunt me. As an introvert, it wasn't the social anxiety that worried me, but more that I just don't respect these people. I mingle fine professionally and at conferences, I just simply do not like these people... To me, they're children. I found the whole evening exhausting and draining; it has sent me into a bit of a funk for the past couple of days. Initially, I thought that maybe I was being judgmental - perhaps I am... Then I reflected on it because it made me feel sad for a number of days. After speaking to a counsellor about my anxieties and going to mindfulness sessions, I realise that I have to also recognise the validity in my own feelings. I often don't, which is a problem. I'm allowed to 'be me'.

I found myself irritated at this BBQ - annoyed that I was wasting my rare 'downtime' to hang out with people whose biggest concern their next drink. I was annoyed that these were 'friends of friends' and that made me lose respect for my friends for being associated with them. I was frustrated that I tried to 'fit in', smile and play nice but no-one really made an effort to talk to me or get to know me. God... I sound conceited... 

I spoke to a close friend who was also at the BBQ, he said that the problem is me and my social anxiety. He said this taints my social experiences with pessimism and negativity, which manifests in a 'standoffishness'. This really hurt my feelings - I've always tried to have nice conversations with these people... I feel that's a wrong impression because like I say, I can mingle professionally and have made some amazing friends; it might not be quantity but they're definitely quality. Equally, it's incredibly exhausting for an introvert to be around people... I don't feel like I need to apologise for introverts, equally, I don't feel like I should apologise for being me... But my close friend said it's me because everyone is 'fun-loving' whereas I'm not. After that conversation, I felt quite hurt - sometimes I do not even know why I try to head out of my comfort zone! 

Is There a Line to Cross?

Is it just me or does this scenario 'cross the line'?

I was talking to a girlfriend recently and she was saying that a female friend of her boyfriend messages him all the time. When she raised this with him, he was very indignant and demanded to know whether she trusted him or not.  She trusts him and to be honest, he is a lovely guy and clearly adores my girlfriend so I just think 'Why is this random chick badgering him? Boundaries exist for a reason!' Anyway, this made me think back to BF.

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So, there was a girl from North Carolina who he'd met online; she was a photographer (so she worked in the same industry). In the past, they had had a sexual relationship - he'd even travelled to visit her several times, but subsequently they were just 'friends' even though she expressed that she wanted to be more...

When he was with me, initially she was really weird with him and it led to 'radio silence' from her. After about 6 months, she crept out of the woodwork and was super friendly via WhatsApp - like nothing had happened. Remember that 'conversation' that I had with BF which led to one of our biggest arguments? One of the thingsI found out during that time was that BF had 'fooled around' with her when we weren't 'exclusive' during the early days of our courtship, which made me a bit paranoid. I trusted him. The thing was, as time past, she would message him at all hours of the day (even with the time difference, she messaged him); I would hear his phone vibrate when we were in bed together or during days out together.

The messages were friendly, just 'Hey, what's up. How are you? What have you been up to?' type of messages. He would wouldn't reply straight away but she would continue messaging him. Then followed him on Twitter, Instagram and friended him on Facebook. When I had asked BF about it. He would dismissively say she's a friend and he only talks to her about work, so things like camera lenses etc. To be fair, BF was honest and true. But I felt like a terrible person when I mentioned it to him that I hated the fact that she was so clingy and seemed to want to encroach on my 'territory'.

I just thought, 'Why is she connecting with him on all these social platforms? Messaging all hours of the day? Does she not understand boundaries?' I mean I have guy friends who are married, engaged or whatever. I would never dream of messaging them so often or late at night. And if they didn't message back, I wouldn't be worried and constantly message to require a 'follow-up'.

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My girlfriend is understandably upset. They had an argument where he demanded to know whether she was curbing his freedom and making him choose between her and the 'friend'. This wasn't the question in the first place. The question is, whether it's just a lack of trust or general insecurity? Or are there unspoken boundaries, which you don't cross when your friends are in a relationship?

Is there even a line to cross?

When did People Stop Wanting to Learn?

Nothing new is really happening with me - I'm 'working on me' so started reading more for fun and cooking more. I finished reading the trilogy - 'A Court of Thorns and Roses', which I loved! A bit racy in places though, since when did 'young adult' books get so sexy? I don't remember reading any books with explicit sex scenes as a teenager, or am I being a prude?

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I finished my marking of exams, which was a huge relief because now I can focus on teaching and research, or so I thought... I failed a couple of students because they didn't even address the question for the exam and wrote terrible. However, rather than reading and reflecting on the grade and feedback, the student (S) emailed and wanted to meet me. I manage to schedule in a meeting that day.

I absolutely hate people who invade my personal physical space, yet S is sat within an inch of me! S refuses to accept the failure because S has allegedly never failed anything before and I should change the mark or I'll be 'sorry'. S starts shouting at me.

At one point, I think S is going to hit me because S is leaning over with a raised hand and voice! Despite me telling S to leave my office repeatedly S doesn't and keeps asking me "What is your problem?" Luckily a male colleague wants to speak to me at that point and walks in, sees me physically shaking and white and escorts S out. When did students get so entitled? If I performed badly, I always thought "How can I do better?" I never blamed the teacher or threatened her/him to change the grade!

Classes are tough as students don't want to learn. They attend physically but they are not there in spirit - you can see that when you walk the classroom and they're on WhatsApp, Facebook, Snapchat or just browsing on the internet. What is the point of going to university...?

With the internet, I find it a pleasure to find new information and learn new things, facts or find a small DIY video on Youtube. Funny that students don't want to do that. It's almost like they expect a 'Matrix' style of learning - plugging a cable into the back of their head and 'downloading' the information straight into their brain... When did people stop wanting to learn?

Old at Heart?

Somehow got a kidney infection this week - it hurts and I'm constantly falling asleep. Sad thing is I've had to go 'cold turkey' and avoid coffee which definitely doesn't help!

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I received 3 wedding invitations this week - eurgh. Some days it feels like everyone around me is settling down and getting married... No, I'm happy for these people but it makes me wonder whether it is normal to not feel that 'burning desire' to 'settle down'. I personally like my own space and imagining someone tinkering with my schedules and belongings unsettles me.

I went to a party last week at a bar - acquaintances. Conversation was lighthearted - some people were talking about their upcoming wedding; others upcoming holidays; others about new rented apartments.

One guy was saying "Oh my god! There's this guy I know and he lived with his parents for 10 years and now he's just bought an apartment without a mortgage at 30 years old! What an idiot!" This annoyed me. All the twenty-year olds nodded and were saying "What a loser!" As the token 30-year old of the night, I just thought "That guy in the story sounds pretty smart to me. He has a property - no mortgage. Good investment! He probably worked really hard for it and it's no mean feat living with your parents for all that time!"

I riled me up a bit when they started talking about drinking; holidays, but couldn't afford a deposit on a house/apartment or a new car. I just kept thinking "Frivolous little things."

Sometimes I wonder whether I should be like them - throw caution to the wind and not worry about all the 'adult things' that you should worry about. I should stop worrying about doing my job well - just do the minimum as so many of my colleagues seem to do; stop saving for that retirement fund because who knows what will happen tomorrow. And just stop worrying whether it's normal about my lack of desire to 'settle down'. Who knows?

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I remember as a child visiting a nature reserve with school. Whilst the other kids were screaming, climbing up trees and rocks, throwing sticks and stones, I just sat quietly observing. When we went for a walk with the teachers, the other kids were jumping off things or on things, I remembering sniffing and saying "I would rather be safe than sorry!" This shocked the teachers because I remember them whispering about it and asking me where I had heard that phrase.

Ha! Maybe I was always an old lady at heart? Who knows?

I've changed... And not for the better...

Apologies for the 'radio silence'.

I've been somewhat of a hermit, trying to balance my procrastination with bundles of work that needs doing! I guess my main enemy is putting pen to paper, especially when I'm uninspired, as being somewhat of a perfectionist, if I don't like it, it is immediately deleted (rather than re-drafted).

Equally things between BF have been strained since the deletion of my old blog...

What's new in my little kingdom?

New job

I started a new job in June as a university professor, which ticked the lifelong dream of mine. I soon became jaded with the application process, workload, the internal politics (adults who behave like children) and the stark discrimination that occurred - I was told by management that I shouldn't apply when a male colleague had been told that he would have a job regardless of how his interview went.

Taking this new job brought back a lot of past emotions which were negative. The stress of the job has had its toll on me as a person as I have been quite bleak and prioritised work - wanting to prove naysayers that I'm a competent person plus when I'm upset I throw myself into work.


Lost a good friend

A good friend of mine has been dating a Finnish girl for a number of years - it was a physically and mentally abusive relationship. They moved to Finland but after 6 months moved back to the UK - I was super excited about this because I could see my friend again without needing to hop on a plane!

After consoling my friend after the Finnish girlfriend lashed out physically during an argument, I had expressed my concerns about the maturity of the girlfriend and suggested that the latter sought counseling for her anger. After another argument, my friend paraphrased my words and said "Alys says you need to grow up!" The girlfriend obviously didn't like hearing those words and decided to verbally abuse me via SMS, Facebook etc and didn't let my friend contact me afterwards.

The couple have subsequently broken up and my friend apologised but things aren't the same. We used to laugh and message about silly immature things, but we barely speak now.

BF

Hmm.. where do I start? It's been a turbulent time - full of change, which has had its toll on our relationship... We've fought - a lot; sometimes it's over little things like lack of phone calls or him asking me to hold his bag. Admittedly, I am an impatient person.

After almost 4 years though, I still love him dearly. I know it's cliche but he is my sunshine - the one thing I look forward to speaking to, especially at the end of the day. But I've changed as a person and not necessarily for the better - the new job makes me stressed, I put long hours in at work, I constantly complain about how unfair the discrimination at work is. I lashed out at him emotionally, simply because he was there - I was critical and mean about his kind gestures and eventually took them for granted. I'm not surprised what happened next...

Unsurprisingly, he broke up with me 2 days ago. He told me our relationship no longer felt 'right' and he was no longer 'in love' with me.

That hurt. I didn't realise that he had felt this way for so long.

After months of bottling my emotions inside, I broke down and cradled myself in my arms on his floor, tears pouring down my face.  I realised that the critical attitude my parents had towards me, I had embodied that towards him and I had prioritised work over him; I had brought my negative stress home and kept him at a distance rather than letting him in.

I recanted all the negative things in my life and how they wore me down. I had changed as a person. Even I don't recognise who I became over the last two years.

I just fear that I won't stop loving him and missing him in my life...

3 Little Things...

“Thou and I are too wise to woo peaceably.” -- William Shakespeare, Much Ado About Nothing.

Following from my previous post, 3 things echoed in my head about the whole 'dating game':

1) Pre-"exclusivity", anything is "fair game"

2) Not putting your eggs into one basket

3) BF has a very different attitude towards sex

Maybe I'm not suited to modern dating, but these two things don't sit well on my conscience. I mean, yes, the second one is important, because online dating is essentially a numbers game - you meet a lot of weirdos, in order to find 1-2 normal guys who you might even have some compatibility with. I guess, I think it should be done with more respect for the other person...

I haven't stayed at BF's for a while, so I was really looking forward to the weekend to spending time with him, waking up next to him and making breakfast together. There hadn't been an opportunity to talk all day, as we spent a lovely time walking, enjoying cups of tea, and some street food. So, as we cuddled in bed, I needed to know more and see where I stood.

I was concerned (that's putting it lightly), I spent a few sleepless nights, thinking in my head, "What next?" Since the can of worms was opened, I needed to know the details, because I couldn't picture it in my head, and believe me I have had some vivid dreams of the sordid particulars!

1) Pre-Exclusivity

Saturday night was spent hashing it out (I didn't end up sleeping unit 6:30am and it was difficult to even share a room with BF, let alone a room). I found out that 'the friend' was someone he had met on adult chatroom online a long time ago, she was one of those flirty friends, you have. The flirting eventually tapers off, and you somehow become friends (I think everyone has one of those).

 Suffice to say, I was annoyed that BF had told me that she was a university friend. He then tried to justify it by saying, "It was before we were exclusive - it was in the very early days of us dating - we had only been on 2 dates, and I had known her a long time." 

2) Eggs in one basket

I admit I'm not the easiest person to get to know. I've been disappointed by people in my life - they fade in and out, and I have found that the only people I can trust are my family and maybe 2 friends. 

However, when I asked BF about the 'friends with benefits' woman, it turns out the night after our 4th date (he had invited me to a cider festival but I couldn't make it, as I had plans), he went to the festival and met the woman there. Thus leading to a 'friends with benefits' relationship. Apparently, BF said that it was because I was so distant, and there was a 'wall' between us, so he didn't want to put his eggs into one basket... Well, a 'friends with benefits' situation, whilst also sleeping with your ex, is hardly trying to develop a relationship.

 Equally, he could have spoken to me more. I mean he was so aloof and distant when we were first dating that I just didn't know where I stood! Anyway, he was annoyed that I was angry at him, claiming he wasn't a 'mind reader', when I told him that he could have talked to me more or asked me out more, because he was so 'cool' initially!

3) Attitudes towards sex

Perhaps I am a prude, but I have always found it difficult to disentangle the physical aspect of sex with the emotional side. I wouldn't start something, if I didn't believe that it meant something. BF believes something different; he explained that early on as a 'young man', he wanted to explore and it was something to enjoy, regardless of being in a relationship or not. He claims that a relationship makes it 'even better' but he doesn't necessarily agree that it's being 'cavalier'.

I'm tired of this being an emotional groundhog day. I know I deserve better and I guess the worrying thing is that I'm thinking of calling things off...